Joke Thread

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terrya1965
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Joke Thread

Postby terrya1965 » Thu Jan 25, 2018 2:15 pm

A group of friends ,all turning 40,discussed where they should meet for Lunch.
Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini shirts

Ten years later at age 50 the friends once again discussed where they should meet for Lunch
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive the food and service was good and the Beer selection was excellent

Ten years leter at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parkingthey could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music and it was good value for money

Ten years later at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled

Ten years later at age 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before..
10 x

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Hammerite
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Hammerite » Thu Jan 25, 2018 2:16 pm

:D
0 x

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Noni
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Noni » Thu Jan 25, 2018 2:32 pm

goodpost:) Good joke!! :i am genuinely amused:
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Newmarket
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Newmarket » Sat Jan 27, 2018 12:44 am

I’ll dig my mum up . She’ll appreciate that one ....
1 x

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BCHammer
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Location: Vancouver BC

Re: Joke Thread

Postby BCHammer » Sat Jan 27, 2018 3:33 am

Earl was passing by Bubba's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing, Bubba?" says Earl.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Bubbia. "But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor!"
3 x

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grandad
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Location: Essex

Re: Joke Thread

Postby grandad » Sat Jan 27, 2018 9:19 am

terrya1965 wrote:A group of friends ,all turning 40,discussed where they should meet for Lunch.
Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini shirts

Ten years later at age 50 the friends once again discussed where they should meet for Lunch
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive the food and service was good and the Beer selection was excellent

Ten years leter at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parkingthey could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music and it was good value for money

Ten years later at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled

Ten years later at age 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before..




Now that did make me laugh.
0 x
Once you take the devils shilling its no going back !!!!!!

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Dolfo
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Dolfo » Sat Jan 27, 2018 11:31 am

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".

'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fucking wrote it!!!'
5 x

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tassiehammer
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Location: tasmania

Re: Joke Thread

Postby tassiehammer » Sat Jan 27, 2018 8:25 pm

Hammers losing to Wigan. Get it? Fucking hilarious.

Just read the match day thread and then saw this joke thread back again. Had a chuckle at the jokes. Needed cheering up. :D
0 x

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Marco Boogers Boots
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Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 7:48 am
Location: Muscat, Sultanate of Oman

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Marco Boogers Boots » Sun Jan 28, 2018 3:53 am

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?









He worked it out with a pencil.
3 x

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Hammerite
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Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2017 4:01 pm

Re: Joke Thread

Postby Hammerite » Sun Jan 28, 2018 7:08 pm

A man visiting London zoo is standing outside the lion's enclosure watching a male lion lying in the sun licking its arse, One of the keepers passes and the man says "he's a placid creature isn't he" The keeper replies "not really sir why only an hour ago he devoured a spuds fan who inadvertently wandered into his enclosure" but why is he lying there licking his arse" asks the man, the zoo keeper replies " he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth"
6 x


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