Brookbonds73 wrote: ↑Sat Jul 31, 2021 5:09 pm
palerider wrote: ↑Fri Jul 30, 2021 10:24 am
I'm sure your family will give you a fitting send off my learned friend.
Have you. like me, considered an Egyptian funeral with gold and silver buried with you to pay your way in the afterlife ? I'm having the yaks in as well, you of course would have Horace and Gertrude.
I've arranged for 50 asylum seekers to be entombed for eternity under the pyramid I'm having built in Yeovil. They'll be coaxed in as there'll be a sign saying 'Benefits Office' at the entrance. Once in it will be sealed off. They can protect it from tomb raiders until the hula hoops run out and they croak but it's good to know they'll be useful and not a burden to the tax payer after paddling across the channel.
It'll cost though. I may have to sell one of the mansions.
I've decided to start up my own business my dear friend. It's called " Feel the burn".
I've decided that olive my next door neighbour will be my first victim er customer. She's 96 has various problems and is fucking loaded. I've had a rummage around her bloomers and tbh she's as game as a beigel, but her best back scuttling days are long gone I'm afraid. I've offered my services as you would expect.
Starting prices are 10k for death by blowtorch, 20k for a chop up and placement in a log burner and 30k for a complete incineration using C4.
All packages come with background music, Billy Joel's "We didn't start the fire" and a particular favourite of mine " goodness gracious, great balls of fire" by Jerry Lee Lewis.
I'm sure you'll join me, in my latest venture my good man, it'll be a hoot.
Seems like a plan my learned friend and something I've been mulling over for a while now.
The elderly need respect and what could be worse than finding granny mummified in the kitchen chair because nobody's bothered to call for 9 months ?
Disgraceful, so for a competitive price I'm setting up 'West Country Wasting' and your beloved old relatives can go out with a bang, and of course a degree of dignity.
Like yourself I offer 3 packages, and importantly all in tune with local life and history.
The Bronze package, 25k, involves them being tried in a mock court by a Judge Jeffreys lookalike for rebelling against the King in the Monmouth Rebellion, sentenced to death and humanely beheaded.
The Silver package, 35k, will see them dragged into the Somerset marshes and caught by marauders from a Viking re-enaction society then being sacrificed in the Blood Eagle ritual with their lungs being dragged out of a gaping axe wound in their backs...still alive of course so they can pose for final send off photos.
The Gold package is 50k. Pricey but worth it. Granny or Grandad is taken into a field and pegged down then a combined harvester runs them over scaterring the pieces over a wide area while the Wurzels sing 'Oi am a Coider drinker' from a nearby stage.
Let's compare notes.
