Pure Cremation

[palerider]

Fucking vultures.

'I want my family to celebrate my life without the worry of paying for an expensive funeral, so I've taken out an affordable plan with Pure Cremation'.

Despicable cunts.

And in any case, I want my family to spend fucking shed loads. I want Bubbles and Jerusalem belting out as I'm lying in the church. I want to be decked out in bling. And fucking expensive gifts for the cats, who'll be in mourning. And I want to be buried too, not cremated.

What if I'm not dead ?

I'll tell you this for nothing, ten pints of Petherington's Old Shagger leaves you without a pulse for days and a mutton phaal at the Pearl of India after the session will give you the sweet smell of decomposition for just as long.

I don't want to wake up just as the curtains close, fuck that.

I'd be like Mark Noble trying to get out of the centre circle.

[Newmarket]

Fucking vultures.

'I want my family to celebrate my life without the worry of paying for an expensive funeral, so I've taken out an affordable plan with Pure Cremation'.

Despicable cunts.

And in any case, I want my family to spend fucking shed loads. I want Bubbles and Jerusalem belting out as I'm lying in the church. I want to be decked out in bling. And fucking expensive gifts for the cats, who'll be in mourning. And I want to be buried too, not cremated.

What if I'm not dead ?

I'll tell you this for nothing, ten pints of Petherington's Old Shagger leaves you without a pulse for days and a mutton phaal at the Pearl of India after the session will give you the sweet smell of decomposition for just as long.

I don't want to wake up just as the curtains close, fuck that.

I'd be like Mark Noble trying to get out of the centre circle.

Now I know where I recognise you from

[Brookbonds73]

Fucking vultures.

'I want my family to celebrate my life without the worry of paying for an expensive funeral, so I've taken out an affordable plan with Pure Cremation'.

Despicable cunts.

And in any case, I want my family to spend fucking shed loads. I want Bubbles and Jerusalem belting out as I'm lying in the church. I want to be decked out in bling. And fucking expensive gifts for the cats, who'll be in mourning. And I want to be buried too, not cremated.

What if I'm not dead ?

I'll tell you this for nothing, ten pints of Petherington's Old Shagger leaves you without a pulse for days and a mutton phaal at the Pearl of India after the session will give you the sweet smell of decomposition for just as long.

I don't want to wake up just as the curtains close, fuck that.

I'd be like Mark Noble trying to get out of the centre circle.

A fine way to go indeed my friend.
For me personally, a burial with all the trimmings, is the order of the day.
I don't want some cunt waltzing in with a jug of diesel to chuck over me as I'm chucking my last sackload of man goo up a young piglet.
Ney Ney and thrice Ney sir. 50k for starters for me and I care not a jot if they go skint in the process, get a loan, sell the house, sell the kids!
I want scantily clad wenches performing with farm animals, fire eaters, jousting, mud wrestling and of course dwarves being fired out of a large cannon.
I've entered enough curtains in my time, but be jiggered if I'm having them closed behind me while a transvestite heshe of a priest gives it large from the holy book.
And none of this little plot malarkey either.
I want a tomb in the shape of a large shlong akin to Nelson's column with a big pair of testes at the bottom adorned with claret and blue ribbons.

Pure cremation, I'll shit em!

[palerider]

Fucking vultures.

'I want my family to celebrate my life without the worry of paying for an expensive funeral, so I've taken out an affordable plan with Pure Cremation'.

Despicable cunts.

And in any case, I want my family to spend fucking shed loads. I want Bubbles and Jerusalem belting out as I'm lying in the church. I want to be decked out in bling. And fucking expensive gifts for the cats, who'll be in mourning. And I want to be buried too, not cremated.

What if I'm not dead ?

I'll tell you this for nothing, ten pints of Petherington's Old Shagger leaves you without a pulse for days and a mutton phaal at the Pearl of India after the session will give you the sweet smell of decomposition for just as long.

I don't want to wake up just as the curtains close, fuck that.

I'd be like Mark Noble trying to get out of the centre circle.

A fine way to go indeed my friend.
For me personally, a burial with all the trimmings, is the order of the day.
I don't want some cunt waltzing in with a jug of diesel to chuck over me as I'm chucking my last sackload of man goo up a young piglet.
Ney Ney and thrice Ney sir. 50k for starters for me and I care not a jot if they go skint in the process, get a loan, sell the house, sell the kids!
I want scantily clad wenches performing with farm animals, fire eaters, jousting, mud wrestling and of course dwarves being fired out of a large cannon.
I've entered enough curtains in my time, but be jiggered if I'm having them closed behind me while a transvestite heshe of a priest gives it large from the holy book.
And none of this little plot malarkey either.
I want a tomb in the shape of a large shlong akin to Nelson's column with a big pair of testes at the bottom adorned with claret and blue ribbons.

Pure cremation, I'll shit em!

[palerider]

I'm sure your family will give you a fitting send off my learned friend.

Have you. like me, considered an Egyptian funeral with gold and silver buried with you to pay your way in the afterlife ? I'm having the yaks in as well, you of course would have Horace and Gertrude.

I've arranged for 50 asylum seekers to be entombed for eternity under the pyramid I'm having built in Yeovil. They'll be coaxed in as there'll be a sign saying 'Benefits Office' at the entrance. Once in it will be sealed off. They can protect it from tomb raiders until the hula hoops run out and they croak but it's good to know they'll be useful and not a burden to the tax payer after paddling across the channel.

It'll cost though. I may have to sell one of the mansions.

[Brookbonds73]

I'm sure your family will give you a fitting send off my learned friend.

Have you. like me, considered an Egyptian funeral with gold and silver buried with you to pay your way in the afterlife ? I'm having the yaks in as well, you of course would have Horace and Gertrude.

I've arranged for 50 asylum seekers to be entombed for eternity under the pyramid I'm having built in Yeovil. They'll be coaxed in as there'll be a sign saying 'Benefits Office' at the entrance. Once in it will be sealed off. They can protect it from tomb raiders until the hula hoops run out and they croak but it's good to know they'll be useful and not a burden to the tax payer after paddling across the channel.

It'll cost though. I may have to sell one of the mansions.

I've decided to start up my own business my dear friend. It's called " Feel the burn".
I've decided that olive my next door neighbour will be my first victim er customer. She's 96 has various problems and is fucking loaded. I've had a rummage around her bloomers and tbh she's as game as a beigel, but her best back scuttling days are long gone I'm afraid. I've offered my services as you would expect.
Starting prices are 10k for death by blowtorch, 20k for a chop up and placement in a log burner and 30k for a complete incineration using C4.
All packages come with background music, Billy Joel's "We didn't start the fire" and a particular favourite of mine " goodness gracious, great balls of fire" by Jerry Lee Lewis.
I'm sure you'll join me, in my latest venture my good man, it'll be a hoot.

[JayK]

I'm sure your family will give you a fitting send off my learned friend.

Have you. like me, considered an Egyptian funeral with gold and silver buried with you to pay your way in the afterlife ? I'm having the yaks in as well, you of course would have Horace and Gertrude.

I've arranged for 50 asylum seekers to be entombed for eternity under the pyramid I'm having built in Yeovil. They'll be coaxed in as there'll be a sign saying 'Benefits Office' at the entrance. Once in it will be sealed off. They can protect it from tomb raiders until the hula hoops run out and they croak but it's good to know they'll be useful and not a burden to the tax payer after paddling across the channel.

It'll cost though. I may have to sell one of the mansions.

I've decided to start up my own business my dear friend. It's called " Feel the burn".
I've decided that olive my next door neighbour will be my first victim er customer. She's 96 has various problems and is fucking loaded. I've had a rummage around her bloomers and tbh she's as game as a beigel, but her best back scuttling days are long gone I'm afraid. I've offered my services as you would expect.
Starting prices are 10k for death by blowtorch, 20k for a chop up and placement in a log burner and 30k for a complete incineration using C4.
All packages come with background music, Billy Joel's "We didn't start the fire" and a particular favourite of mine " goodness gracious, great balls of fire" by Jerry Lee Lewis.
I'm sure you'll join me, in my latest venture my good man, it'll be a hoot.

Can you add a Johnny Cash favourite and Produgy to the playlist?

[Brookbonds73]

I've decided to start up my own business my dear friend. It's called " Feel the burn".
I've decided that olive my next door neighbour will be my first victim er customer. She's 96 has various problems and is fucking loaded. I've had a rummage around her bloomers and tbh she's as game as a beigel, but her best back scuttling days are long gone I'm afraid. I've offered my services as you would expect.
Starting prices are 10k for death by blowtorch, 20k for a chop up and placement in a log burner and 30k for a complete incineration using C4.
All packages come with background music, Billy Joel's "We didn't start the fire" and a particular favourite of mine " goodness gracious, great balls of fire" by Jerry Lee Lewis.
I'm sure you'll join me, in my latest venture my good man, it'll be a hoot.

Can you add a Johnny Cash favourite and Produgy to the playlist?

I'm afraid I only play ring of fire to young vixens I've clubbed unconscious and are now ensconced in my "special cellar" my good man.
It gets Percy up and running, so much so that I'm like a rutting rhino that's about to come in to season.

[JayK]

Can you add a Johnny Cash favourite and Produgy to the playlist?

I'm afraid I only play ring of fire to young vixens I've clubbed unconscious and are now ensconced in my "special cellar" my good man.
It gets Percy up and running, so much so that I'm like a rutting rhino that's about to come in to season.

Understood. And when/if they wake up their arsehole is burning like a ring of fire?

[Newmarket]

I'm sure your family will give you a fitting send off my learned friend.

Have you. like me, considered an Egyptian funeral with gold and silver buried with you to pay your way in the afterlife ? I'm having the yaks in as well, you of course would have Horace and Gertrude.

I've arranged for 50 asylum seekers to be entombed for eternity under the pyramid I'm having built in Yeovil. They'll be coaxed in as there'll be a sign saying 'Benefits Office' at the entrance. Once in it will be sealed off. They can protect it from tomb raiders until the hula hoops run out and they croak but it's good to know they'll be useful and not a burden to the tax payer after paddling across the channel.

It'll cost though. I may have to sell one of the mansions.

I've decided to start up my own business my dear friend. It's called " Feel the burn".
I've decided that olive my next door neighbour will be my first victim er customer. She's 96 has various problems and is fucking loaded. I've had a rummage around her bloomers and tbh she's as game as a beigel, but her best back scuttling days are long gone I'm afraid. I've offered my services as you would expect.
Starting prices are 10k for death by blowtorch, 20k for a chop up and placement in a log burner and 30k for a complete incineration using C4.
All packages come with background music, Billy Joel's "We didn't start the fire" and a particular favourite of mine " goodness gracious, great balls of fire" by Jerry Lee Lewis.
I'm sure you'll join me, in my latest venture my good man, it'll be a hoot.

Why C4 ? What if I require Sky Witness or the Discovery channel ?

You tight Cunt !