Leading up to the festive period, I've been inundated with letters from people facing dilemmas of all shapes and sizes, so I've decided that this needs to be addressed. Myself and Sir P ( if we're not incarcerated ) will be available to offer our services and worldly experience in sorting out your problems.
Take for instance Mr Alf Clank from Watford who suspects his wife of having an affair.
My reply was this.
My dear Alf.
Antifreeze! That's the way my good man, a few drops in her tea, sprinkle it over her fra gras etc and Bob's your uncle, this of course has to be built up over time, but before you know it she'll be bed ridden come the new year, delerious and smearing her own cacka over the flock wallpaper, while your out walloping anything with a pulse.
Fuck all that marriage guidance shite, just kill the cunt, but take out insurance on her first, that way my good man, you'll be sat on a beach in Jamaica sharing a trumpet of the finest herbs with a wench bouncing up and down on the veiny beast singing no woman no cry maan, whilst she's pushing up the chrysanthemums under your patio.
Take action now my friend!
BB and myself realise that the festive season isn't such a happy time for everyone. My Auntie Doreen for example hated it as her husband sadly passed on Christmas Day 1988, when I opened up Pale Towers to the extended family and Lady Pale did the cooking. She never liked Reg.
And I've had two letters.
'Dear Pale
Have I had my dinner yet ?'
From Mr D Gold, Caterham.
and
'Dear Pale
I'm filthy rich and a younger strumpet has accepted my offer of marriage but every time I try things on in the sack she calls me a dirty little cunt and turns her back. Do you have any tips ? She's definitely not only in it for the money.'
From Mr A Nonymous, Theydon Bois.
Well, D. I'd recommend you ask for another one. If you shit your diapers you'll know you've already had it.
And Nr Nonymous. I think it's your inner karma that is holding you back. You need to lighten your worries and I think your wealth is a burden to you. I suggest you offload all of it immediately to make you happier, I'm sensing a Czech influence ? It will make you a better person and she'll not keep her hands off you.
My mother passed away recently and has left me the family home. It's worth around 15 million set in several acres of land, and has stables, but the upkeep of it is ludicrous.
Please help!
Percy.
Well my advice to you my good fellow is to turn it in to a refuge for illegals. You'll get thousands of the creatures in the stables and you can charge the earth. There's no need to buy food as they'll eventually starve and start eating eachother and you can replenish your stock through my contacts at Dover. And I can burn the rest in my giant incinerator.
As for the house itself my mind's awash with all manner of filth and debauchery.
You could have a top notch knocking shop, a torture chamber, a place to keep animals ( for the more depraved among us ) and a drug den for anyone who wants to get off their tits. Obviously they'll be a myriad of secret passageways for when the plod turn up, as we can't have any MPs, judges, KFC workers getting caught being balls deep in an ostrich.
Brookbonds73 wrote: ↑Fri Dec 03, 2021 12:26 pm
Percy Flipicket writes from Bayswater.
My mother passed away recently and has left me the family home. It's worth around 15 million set in several acres of land, and has stables, but the upkeep of it is ludicrous.
Please help!
Percy.
Well my advice to you my good fellow is to turn it in to a refuge for illegals. You'll get thousands of the creatures in the stables and you can charge the earth. There's no need to buy food as they'll eventually starve and start eating eachother and you can replenish your stock through my contacts at Dover. And I can burn the rest in my giant incinerator.
As for the house itself my mind's awash with all manner of filth and debauchery.
You could have a top notch knocking shop, a torture chamber, a place to keep animals ( for the more depraved among us ) and a drug den for anyone who wants to get off their tits. Obviously they'll be a myriad of secret passageways for when the plod turn up, as we can't have any MPs, judges, KFC workers getting caught being balls deep in an ostrich.
I've been without power now for 8 days due to Storm Arwen.
The wee man from the Co-op is delivering offal and shortbread every other day and I'm no short of heroin but my chain saw is withoot power as I canna charge the fucker and a coach load o' Eritreans have been put up in the village hall for the last fortnight. They're driving the locals mad and are begging to be cut in half.
Whay can a man do ?
William McWallace
Ecclefechan
Dear William
Indeed a problem but Scotland has a proud history of welcoming outsiders. I myself went to Glasgow once and only lost one arm. Try the skirl o'the pipes and a rendition of The Bonny Bonny banks o' Loch Lomond outside the windows non-stop for 12 hours and the cunts will be begging for Calais.
My partner isn't giving me the attention in the sack that I need.
He's recently taken on a couple of young Croatian maids who disappear with him into the cow barn most nights and at weekends he's always too pissed to perform saying something about a some hammers being massive before re-running a MOTD recording, pouring another large shot of Jim Beam & chilli sauce then collapsing on the floor.
As a red-blooded woman with needs I'd like your advice.
I can't leave him as he's minted and I'll inherit the lot when his liver gives up the ghost so I'm looking at sex aids.
That lovely Mr Dribbly sells Rampant Rabbits at his Ann Summers outlets but I've also heard about the new Omicron 2 Superdong that doubles in size every two days. My partner says I've got a snatch like a ripped-out fireplace so maybe that's for me ? It's expensive but is it worth the £199 ?
palerider wrote: ↑Wed Dec 08, 2021 11:16 am
Dear BB
My partner isn't giving me the attention in the sack that I need.
He's recently taken on a couple of young Croatian maids who disappear with him into the cow barn most nights and at weekends he's always too pissed to perform saying something about a some hammers being massive before re-running a MOTD recording, pouring another large shot of Jim Beam & chilli sauce then collapsing on the floor.
As a red-blooded woman with needs I'd like your advice.
I can't leave him as he's minted and I'll inherit the lot when his liver gives up the ghost so I'm looking at sex aids.
That lovely Mr Dribbly sells Rampant Rabbits at his Ann Summers outlets but I've also heard about the new Omicron 2 Superdong that doubles in size every two days. My partner says I've got a snatch like a ripped-out fireplace so maybe that's for me ? It's expensive but is it worth the £199 ?
Lady E Pale
Pale Towers
Huish Episcopi
Somerset
My dear woman.
Did you not know that any true blooded Hammer has to have extra marital company at times and downing several quarts of whatever tickles his fancy is indeed part of the package. Never mind poncing around with sex aides that I'll shake the molars out of your bonce, get the fucking ironing board out and make yourself useful! Better still get the Hoover or the mop out and do a bit around the house, you can always stop for a minute and whack either implement up your foof for a quick eye wobble, thus saving yourself a fortune and leaving the kitchen floor gleaming and free from kebab sauce!
Take it from me my dear woman, truth be told you're getting away with murder, if it were me I'd have you up on the roof cleaning the gargoyles.
palerider wrote: ↑Wed Dec 08, 2021 11:16 am
Dear BB
My partner isn't giving me the attention in the sack that I need.
He's recently taken on a couple of young Croatian maids who disappear with him into the cow barn most nights and at weekends he's always too pissed to perform saying something about a some hammers being massive before re-running a MOTD recording, pouring another large shot of Jim Beam & chilli sauce then collapsing on the floor.
As a red-blooded woman with needs I'd like your advice.
I can't leave him as he's minted and I'll inherit the lot when his liver gives up the ghost so I'm looking at sex aids.
That lovely Mr Dribbly sells Rampant Rabbits at his Ann Summers outlets but I've also heard about the new Omicron 2 Superdong that doubles in size every two days. My partner says I've got a snatch like a ripped-out fireplace so maybe that's for me ? It's expensive but is it worth the £199 ?
palerider wrote: ↑Wed Dec 08, 2021 11:16 am
Dear BB
My partner isn't giving me the attention in the sack that I need.
He's recently taken on a couple of young Croatian maids who disappear with him into the cow barn most nights and at weekends he's always too pissed to perform saying something about a some hammers being massive before re-running a MOTD recording, pouring another large shot of Jim Beam & chilli sauce then collapsing on the floor.
As a red-blooded woman with needs I'd like your advice.
I can't leave him as he's minted and I'll inherit the lot when his liver gives up the ghost so I'm looking at sex aids.
That lovely Mr Dribbly sells Rampant Rabbits at his Ann Summers outlets but I've also heard about the new Omicron 2 Superdong that doubles in size every two days. My partner says I've got a snatch like a ripped-out fireplace so maybe that's for me ? It's expensive but is it worth the £199 ?
Lady E Pale
Pale Towers
Huish Episcopi
Somerset
Huish Episcopi
Is that actually a place ?
You made me look
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palerider wrote: ↑Wed Dec 08, 2021 11:16 am
Dear BB
My partner isn't giving me the attention in the sack that I need.
He's recently taken on a couple of young Croatian maids who disappear with him into the cow barn most nights and at weekends he's always too pissed to perform saying something about a some hammers being massive before re-running a MOTD recording, pouring another large shot of Jim Beam & chilli sauce then collapsing on the floor.
As a red-blooded woman with needs I'd like your advice.
I can't leave him as he's minted and I'll inherit the lot when his liver gives up the ghost so I'm looking at sex aids.
That lovely Mr Dribbly sells Rampant Rabbits at his Ann Summers outlets but I've also heard about the new Omicron 2 Superdong that doubles in size every two days. My partner says I've got a snatch like a ripped-out fireplace so maybe that's for me ? It's expensive but is it worth the £199 ?
Lady E Pale
Pale Towers
Huish Episcopi
Somerset
Huish Episcopi
Is that actually a place ?
Yes.
I live there.
From Wikipedia....
Huish Episcopi, population 2095.
A village and civil parish on the outskirts of Langport in south Somerset, four miles west of Somerton, the ancient capital of Wessex. It was proclaimed a 'place of worship' by the Danish King Cnut in 1017 and to this day inhabitants are known as 'cnuts'. St Marys church dates from the 12th century and the only inn, the Rose and Crown, 200 metres away was once a notable wool warehouse in Tudor times. The present landlord is from North London and known to locals as Reg the vermin. It's the home of Huish Academy, one of the largest colleges in the South West whose college badge depicts the Somerset dragon, talons drawn, atop an illegal immigrant. There are many scenic walks to and along the River Parrett which runs through the village, many of them popular for dogging enthusiasts and hiking.
