George our usual Santa Claus has unexpectedly pulled out through illness. Truth be told he's missed a few aa meetings and we suspect he's three sheets to wind lying comatosed somewhere.
So I've decided to fill in for him. I've been practicing and here's my take on it all.
I've put the prices up from £7 to £40 this will of course include a toy. I might even chuck in a few mouldy old chocolates from the garage. My helpers Ali and Mohamed will need a touch up with a tin of brilliant white emulsion and my reindeer will have to be a rather delicious female llama called Sharon.
I shall of course be dressed in my brand new Spiderman outfit.
My opening line will be:
Fe fy fo fum, what the fuck have you been and done.
Have you been good for these pair of woke tosspots?
Have you killed anyone, beheaded any wild animals? Can you eat a full Donna with all the trimmings?
Do you smoke?
Can you drink a bottle of single malt?
Have you got any drugs on you? ( I'm running low )
Have your parents got any money?
What's in your piggy bank?
Does your granny live alone?
Have you ever been arrested/ served time?
I know it's a bit of a work in progress, but it's short notice. That plus the old Biddy's are staying indoors because of the frost, so there's not a lot going on.
'Tis the season of goodwill my learned friend and your sterling efforts will be appreciated.
I myself had the gig once which ended sadly at Yeovil magistrates court so these days I do what I can elsewhere. There are thousands of poor refugees freezing on the streets in this weather after fleeing from the horrors of the war in France so I, and some other kind souls, are dishing out nearly within date (July 21) sausage rolls and setting fire to their tents so they can at least have the basic necessities of food and warmth.
It's a tough job but rewarding to see the joy on their bearded faces.
palerider wrote: ↑Tue Dec 13, 2022 7:22 am
'Tis the season of goodwill my learned friend and your sterling efforts will be appreciated.
I myself had the gig once which ended sadly at Yeovil magistrates court so these days I do what I can elsewhere. There are thousands of poor refugees freezing on the streets in this weather after fleeing from the horrors of the war in France so I, and some other kind souls, are dishing out nearly within date (July 21) sausage rolls and setting fire to their tents so they can at least have the basic necessities of food and warmth.
It's a tough job but rewarding to see the joy on their bearded faces.
