Two old boys on Shanklin pier on the Isle of Wight holding on to a length of rope. On the end of the rope is an illegal immigrant.
At that moment Jean-Claude Juncker walks up to them.
'In these troubled times for the EU, to see you two saving the life of this poor unfortunate wretch, desperate to get into England too seek a better life, warms my heart. I thank you'
So after he goes, one old boy turns to the other and says 'Who was that then ?'
''That was Jean-Claude Junker. He's a big shot in the EU' says his mate.
'What's he do then ?'
'He's been responsible for promoting open borders so that all are welcome including illegal immigrants. He knows all about working together as countries and integration' replies the old fella.
'He may know about that but he knows fuck all about shark fishing'
I said to my wife, "I have a very special surprise for you."
She asked, "Ooo, what is it?"
I replied, "You haven't seen her in fifteen years, since she went far away."
She said, "Oh my god, it's not... is it...? I can't believe it... my sister who moved to Australia?"
I said, "Er... no... it's the still born child we had. I found it in the shed."
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My English teacher told me my grammer was shit
I turned round and said "Yeah and your grandad's a cunt!"
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Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard
asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
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A Vodka Martini please mate," I said as I pushed my way in front of two massive women in the cocktail bar.
"That's very rude!" one of them said. "Just for that you can buy ours! That'll be two margaritas."
"And two cheese and tomato pizzas for these fat cunts please."
DanDruff wrote:
"And two cheese and tomato pizzas for these fat cunts please."
I'm nicking that one mate, pmsl
gonna need a bigger boat...my thumbs have gone weird...weleese bwian...I didn't eat the salmon mousse...nice beaver...like a glove...I have nipples Greg...the details of my life...he's not the messiah....
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.
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I was fucking this woman the other day when I said:
"Are you sure size doesn't matter?"
"No you cunt" she screamed, "it's still rape."
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A bloke goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had the most fantastic sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.
His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"
No: I never found her head."
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Michael Jackson was pronounced dead on the 25th June 2009 at 2:10 am, which is ironically the time when the big hand touches the little hand.
Rabbit hops into a shop, 'got any carrots?' 'no sorry this is a butchers' the shopkeeper said. Next day the rabbit hops back in, 'got any carrots?' 'no, you asked that yesterday we dont do veg!' Rabbit hops back in following day 'got any carrots?' 'look you ask for carrots 1 more time i'll nail your ears to the fucking wall!' Next day rabbit returns and asks 'got any nails?' 'No, this is a fucking butchers!!' said the butcher...'got any carrots then?'
