I have shit myself in public twice... both were embarrassing
First time, a much older brother of a friend of mine came to stay with us for a weekend, kind of a stuffy extra polite type who worked in the upper echelons of the bank of England. Anyway, we went for a walk along the river after dinner to stretch his legs and get some fresh air after the long flight from London. Then it happened, things started to move. There were some public toilets, but quite a bit in the opposite direction to where we parked, there was no way I was going to make it and it was quite an open area. I told the wife to keep him talking and walking, and I dived behind the only bush that offered any privacy - a holly bush! Havent been surrounded by that many pricks since I was at white shart lane... Anyway, the molten lava had already started filling the shorts as I fumbled with my belt and got myself into a squat behind this bush as inquisitive dogs came to check out the fair aroma, followed by their owners... upon completion, the dry leaves were not cutting it as bog roll. Actually they were, literally, as most were holly leaves.... so I made the executive decision, the shorts were already ruined, they would have to be the mop up rag. And so it was, I had to remove my shoes & jeans as discreetly as possible, wipe up and put back on, all in a public space and went back commando to my truck and threw the thoroughly soiled underwear in the bed of my pickup and proceeded to the toilets for a clean up, hoping and praying that would be it until we got home, the protective layer was gone... I did and I never found out what my wife told the banker was going on. When he went to bed, I went back out to the truck to retrieve the shorts and throw them straight in the dumpster...
Second time we were at the airport watching planes, when I could feel it... I took off up the road, as rapidly as I deemed safe, but to where I had no idea, home was out of the question and McDonalds was a long shot. I had gone less than a mile, still alongside the runway, when I knew... I pulled over, grabbed a notebook I had in the center consol (I remembered the lack of paper from last time....) and took off up a dirt track leading to a construction site. I climbed over the barrier, which was a near fatal mistake, but made it over and it was kind of up an incline and round a bend, looking around for some privacy from the road. There was none, until I looked down and saw the drainage ditch! I climbed down the little embankment, dropped my drawers and straddled over the little ditch and let it go. Excellent I thought, didnt soil myself! And theres even water, albeit muddy drainage water to wash my hands! I was just tearing pages out of my notebook and wiping when a cap appeared up the little hill round the bend, then the head and beard, then I saw his uniform and the weapons on his belt. I had been spotted legging it over the fence into private property in a sensitive area, by a runway. He quickly sized up the situation, and ended up flat out laughing as I quickly explained - sorry sir, its those egg and tuna sandwiches she gave me, I couldnt make it anywhere else....
